Just how much am i able to sacrifice?

How long more can i go and how long more can i give? 

I seriously have no idea, i have no idea i would sink in so deep within so less time. I keep asking myself if i truly love you or is it the amount of time we spend together makes me feel this way? 

I try so hard to hide it, try so hard to find an answer for it, try so hard to smile and stay positive of it, i gave myself time and try to stay away from you but i just cant do it. 

By far this had been the most painful period of my life, it's not just dead on the outside but i'm truly dead on the inside too. My brain is telling me no, i should stop hurting myself, she does not even love you like the way you love her. 

Came across an article today, it made so much sense. It's written as: single sided love is not love. 

It hit me badly, thinking that the timing of this article coming to me is . . . . . just nice? 

God, why just why does it had to be me? What had i done wrong, i've always been a positive person, smiling and standing by for people who needs me. I have never done anything wrong in my life. So why does it had to be me. All i ever want was someone to love me just the way i would love  them and i feel its not that hard ? But why must it always be the wrong person that my heart always chooses ? 

My heart and brain got to work together man. I guess i'm more of a heart person. Oh god i love her so much, i'm not sure how far i would go to continue giving. I try killing myself with work but it does not work, i try killing myself with runs but it does not work, i try and i try and i tyr so many times . . . . . 

 

Sometimes i just feel the only way is to rip out this silly heart of mine and throw it away and be a brain person and never will i would with my heart. I asked myself, if a person being this good and nice deserved all this, then why not i just become a bad person ?

I only been through two love relationship, one was me being native thinking work is everything and the second one was a lesson learn. 

But god, this girl, this girl right in front of me, is the one. I truly know that and i feel she is my blessing send from you. but little that i know that blessing came with a test, A test so huge that i told myself to give up so many times. 

I have never in my life broken down for someone this deep, this much  and in front of a friend. This test was way too huge for this little heart of mine. The pain of it was way to great. 

Still remember the first time she said i was her best dinosaur and i could cannot like her, such things cannot happen. That was April 14, and my heart died that day, along with the love i had for dinosaur. The first hurt hit in so hard, i had to take a few mins break before i could reply her. 

I just dont get it, why such things cannot happen, To me it felt like i cant even choose to love the person i want to. I choose to remain silence that day. i told myself that she's not ready to accept this true and i had to hide it from her as much as i could for as long as i could. 

But then again how could something this small endure so much pain. 

In the end, my heart gave up holding and i had to tell her how i felt towards her.

I told myself i will not make a move, as i know she is not ready. But humans are a sucker and i'm been stupid, when ever i looked at her, i just want her to be happy, i just want her to smile, i just want her to feel being loved. 

So i treated her with all the love i could give, all the care i g=could offer, knowingly i wont be her choice. But you see that's the magic of love, love is not something you give and expect a return. love is giving wholeheartedly to the one you love, to see her smile makes me smile even tho the process of it may be tough. 

But then i missed out one pointer.

One very big pointer when comes to love. 

IT'S A TWO WAY THING!

How silly could i ever be. it always clap with both hands no matter what. No matter how much i love her, if she does not feel the same way, what ever i do, she won't see it. A single sided love is just like looking at her through a one way window. She can never see you. 

Some times i wish love can be switch on and off with just a click on the button. 

I want to bring her happiness, i want to help her to become a better person, i want to help her get back on her feet and move forward, i want to help her to achieve what she wants in her life, i want to give her my all,  i want her in my life supporting me in every decision i make and i want to create lots of happy memories with her. 

Guess what, one of it came true, memories. Memories are so scary if you think of it. Living in that beautiful moment but at the same time knowing that it would be the only time it happen and it would never come by again, just makes memories so much important in life but also sad at the same time.

Some moments i wish i could relive it forever.

And some moments i wish i have to just live it once. 

I never really knew how much i love her, till i know how much i could sacrifice for her :)

I love you silly girl, i really do with all my heart :) 

At the end of the day, your answer may not be me, but it's ok. I understand girl, i understand~ 

No matter what happen, i'll still be there for you, like a shadow :) 

When you shine the brightest, i'll just seat below you, supporting what you do. 

When you dwell in darkness, i'll be around you, like the shadow always surrounding you :) 

  

Trouble :/

It's been so long I last posted on my blog :/ been so busy or rather lazy to write it all out. 

Things are going quite ok for me in my life so far. But just I tend to feel something is always missing ? :/ 

It's always that missing thing making me not up not down ?.? Hahaha

Grandma came to SG for visit but sadly she fell and left side of her body is not able to move. To add on to it, financal at home is not really looking good :/ there's just too many rocks on my mom and dad's shoulder.

Just one more sem and I'll be able to share the weight of the rocks le mom and dad! JIA YOU 💪💪 

School been very good to me so far, meet a lot of brothers and sisters along my poly life. 

Well they are not perfect and pisses me on and off in between days but in the end I still live them and treasure everyone of them 😁 it was fate that brough us together and fated to become friends. 

Life is hard, and having others in ur life is harder, different people act differently, talks differently and behave or thinks differently. So I guess I just have to understand abit more I guess? :/ hahaha 

The bottom line still is: if I care, I teach. If I don't, I shut. Simple logic 👍

Think

Future. . . A word, a thing, a phase of life, that I'm looking forward to, that I'm scare of, that I'm don't want it to come, some times I just wish it can just remain like this, this normal peaceful phase and not getting any further ahead. 

23 years of my life pass just like that, looking back at it, thinking. . . What had I did, what could had been done and what I'm planning to do. . . 23 and nothing big at all. . . Will I ever leave my name in history? That's a big aim to achieve. . . 

Been starting out to make plans for future , planning to gather people that are good in their abilities to form a team . . . But yet again often wonder . . . I need them but do they need me? What in for them in working with me? What am I strong in, to them? 

I still not yet master any skill of my owe kind . . . A all rounder I think? Know everything but master of none . . . 

Saw a re-tweet a few days ago, "I just want to be someone's favor friend" keeps me thinking a lot recently . . . Am I? 

I'm not even sure am I a good friend. . . 

I don't trust people that much this days. . . After all my childhood, it's just too hard for me to HTHT with anyone now days . . .scare of people laughing at me . . . people making fun of me. . . my childhood was a total nightmare. . . i just need someone to love . . . someone to hug . . . To sum it all, I'm just weird . . . 

Anyway plans had been made, one way or another I'm still going to pitch to them and gather the strong ones and built an empire and leave a legacy behind with my name in history before I turn into dust itself. 

Please make it work, for my plan, for my future, for my life  

passing day

Today's a day of mixture of feelings.

Started out happy due to after rain, seeing the sun came back out, with me wondering what's life ultimate purpose is. 

School today was awesome, same thing everyday, just trying to finish all my assignments.

Got a little high as i had too much sugar today :( 

Think i got too much lameness around my classmates, but then that's me :)

Got a little piss off today when ben told me to shut up twice. 

Got even more piss when i lost my house keys.

Exploded when people agree on the timing but never happen. 

But all in the end i cool myself down and think, come on Charles it's all not worth it right ?

we are all friends and bros and sis, there are no such things as pissed over small things.

Forgive forget.

So what if they know your piss? 

So what if they said sorry?

what if things got worse cause of the little things that make you piss?

It's all in we humans right, to try live in each others life, to know each others right.

I dare to say i don't really know my friends well. 

They ever asked me to open up to them, but o well as a cancer it's really hard i swear.

We have so many different kinds of feelings inside of us and not forgetting our over thinking minds too.

We tend to think too much, in result making simple stuff into complicated issues.

Sometimes i rather keep my smile going :) hide every single thing inside,

Cause the truth is, the lesser people know the lesser they really care.

You don't share your problems, people think you ok and your fine. 

Sometimes i wonder, why tell others your bad news or bad problems? 

All you do is pass down unhappiness right?

Some may even trigger back old bad memories of others.

My computer in school has this very cute rabbit toy display on it.

I named it "Da Tuo" after the death of my rabbit.

My good friends gave it to me, along with a card that wrote, you can share your problems with me.

I'm really touch :) really 

but just that the toy some how makes me think back of my pass away rabbit. 

It makes me kind of sad and wants to cry.

It's not my friends fault nor i'm trying to blame anyone.

It's just me, that i cant let it all go.

I'm just trying to say that sometimes, the little things you do may hurt or trigger some painful thoughts of others without you knowing.

This comes back to my ultimate though today, 

what is the real purpose of life really.

My friend once said, 

Life is ugly,

I reply,

That's why you are here, to live it beautifully.

Ice Cream story. Reminder for me to work hard and not to stop climbing

A teenage boy sold me 2 box of ice cream for $16, u may say I'm stupid or dumb, but cause he say it's for his studies for ITE, not sure is truth or not, but that's not the point, I came from ITE and make it up to poly and I can tell u it's not easy! The stress of wanting to get into a poly and the looks of people looking at u cause yours from ITE. I have my own point of views and u have yours, U will never know if his telling the truth or not? What if its real? What if its fake? Money earn and spend, it's a common process right? As long as u think yours spending on the right thing and right choice :) u may think I'm buying ice cream here, but if u think that way, I'm sorry to say u don know me or get my point. I'm buying a chance for this young man, even if the story may turn out fake. But I'm also buying a story ;) my own life story.

This is a reminder for me to continue work hard and not to stop.

i promised that i will put in my 200% in studies :) 

and i will.

I don't get it

I don't get it why?

I really don't, 

Why did it turn out this way? 

Was all this my doing? I really don't know.

How can view a person for how many chat he has with girls?

Not trying to say your judging me or what but i feel that it's not right to have a impression due to that right?

I'm not angry really, instead i'm just feeling sad more.

I started my working life at the age of 15.

My boss was a female, my colleges are all female. 

I was working in a bubble tea shop.

At 16 i move on to Service line in Hotels, i was working in a agency company, so i run around different hotels, pubs and restaurants island wide.

at age of 17, i was promoted as a "Lead" to bring new comers and look after them, so i'm the Point of Contact for them.

I studied in ITE at age of 16, my project team was all females, so are my best friends. 

At age of 18 i move on to my NS life, went into air force.

Till here most of my contacts are mostly females, to say the truth it's much more better working with females then males sometimes really. 

They are much more details and though full. 

They don't make fun of you, they treat every friendship with care.

That's why most of my friends are female.

After NS at the age of 20, i started working at USS.

My first attraction was Jurassic Park, most of the crews there were female, 

My Leads, All female.

Shortly i was promoted to Lead, and yes, i have to work with my Leads.

Then i move to another attraction at Shrek 4D, where i know more people.

And at Shrek 3 out of 5 are females.

What i'm trying to say is, yes i have a lot female friends but then that does not reflects me as flirt, 

I don't delete my whatsapp chat, i have clients outside too cause i'm a freelancer editor and cameraman.

I really don't know why has this become like this, i feel that our friendship is fading. 

I try to chat but it's not like the same as it's use too.

I'm really sad and scare that i lose u as a friend.

But just to let you know, you did hurt me once. Maybe it's unintentionally but it do really hurts.

O well, not everyday is a raining day :)

Tml shall be a better day.

Maybe some day i'll find the right one,

someday. . .

maybe . . .

:)

Busy Busy Bee

Holiday is coming to an end and once again i'm going to be a busy bee once again :/ 

Hopefully i will have time for my family and friends, hope my bad habit of shutting down communications when i'm too busy don't hit me :/ always can't change that bad habit man. . . . 

Next week will be my last week of holiday and i'm looking forward for it as going to spend time with friends and love ones, my last week of enjoyment ? hahaha hope so 

i'll miss all my daughters jessie, xue ling, angel and wan fen. 

i'll miss working in shrek and JPR.

i'll miss working in USS.

i'll miss meeting you.

i'll miss sleep.

Year 2 coming!!

Took up Dip Plus in Film Making

Having Extra course, Learning Nuke software

Having up coming projects like music matters

Having 2 upcoming oversea trips too 

Having plans of running and training too

Having plans of going back Lights & Shadow to work as Freelance

Having Plans of opening up my own Studio by end of year 3

Planning to put in 200% in school

Planning to train to be a good producer

This are all my plans and targets!

I really wish i can get every single one of them done, not even one is been miss out.

Recently been so call conducting training for Grp 2 spiel for new crews,

feel i'm back alive in the attraction again 

i'm always more willing to teach if your willing to learn.

Taz told me that i'll be a lead in Shrek too, not sure it's a good or bad news.

If i success means i'm lead for both JPR and Shrek 4D

Will reflect quite good in my resume? i think?

Well i would say my work life, not that bad. 

Then my love life?

well then, maybe it's not the time yet?

There's this gal i like, this silly gal.

But then it's just a one sided feeling.

  Not sure if she does now but then i don't think she does, 

Sometimes i hate thinking too much, it's bad for the brain and heart,

maybe it's me thinking too much ? maybe ? 

She's really cute and silly.

Not sure how i am to her.

She treating me more like a brother now

good or bad? 

i'm not sure about it but then at least we are still friends and for that i'm really happy about it.

Constantly reminding myself that don't think too much and hold back those feelings. 

What you have now is more then enough, 

Treasure what i have now is the best choice.

What is yours will be yours Charles.

But then again, some things in life you have to fight for it in order to gain it.

Shall i? Shall i not? It all now lays in mystery.

I sometimes wish that there will be someone who will msg me once in awhile to check me out.

Know when i'm feeling down or can even tell from the way i speak.

I wish that there is someone that knows me inside out.

Why are cancers so good in hiding there feelings? 

Cause we hide in our shells? 

Good or Bad?

I sometimes really wishes that whenever i hide the unhappiness with my smile, there will be someone out there to know how i feel inside, behind that smile of mine.

I really wish.

I really do.

I treasure my life and what i been through, made who am i today :) 

For that i'm happy and proud about it.

Once my mei asked me, why am i so positive thinking and always smiling.

Well, who says i don't have problems of mine? 

I still a human right? I do feel jealous, envy, sad and angry. 

But how and why i'm always smiling is what i choose to be.

It's all in the mind, all in the mind.

You choose and decide how you want to feel and how you want to live your life through that situation.

 

Over sea :)

Thank god I came for the trip :) really glad I make up my mind to come, even though there were alot of unhappy things and problems happening :)

Here, I am able to relax my mind and write my scripts,
I'm able to let go of the busy life in Singapore

In Indonesia this few days I learn alot and also experience alot.

The kids here are lovely and also stress free, it's so envy about how they are able to smile so freely with so little they have.

It's funny that, most people that have alot does nt share alot, but people that have very little always share all.

Have less care less?
Have more care more?

Does that really mean that way?

This place, here at Indonesia. I have to say, lives good here.

Food is good, people are great, place is awesome.

Hahaha the people I work with are awesome too :) I know almost all of them and they are great people :)

Would love to get to know more about them:) :) :)

Last but not least before I go off,
Right here there is this gal that caught my eye :) eye candy and more :) I really love the way she smile and her teeth :)

Wish I could know more about her :) I really do wish to :) :)

Not sure does this counted as fate ?? Haha or just a part of life again.

My feelings for her starts to grow but then again I don't dare to make a move, as I don't have the confidence to do so.

Maybe when we touch down on Singapore I should tell her my feelings?

Hahaha maybe :) maybe :)

Pls smile always :) I really love ur smile :)

Over sea :)

Thank god I came for the trip :) really glad I make up my mind to come, even though there were alot of unhappy things and problems happening :)

Here, I am able to relax my mind and write my scripts,
I'm able to let go of the busy life in Singapore

In Indonesia this few days I learn alot and also experience alot.

The kids here are lovely and also stress free, it's so envy about how they are able to smile so freely with so little they have.

It's funny that, most people that have alot does nt share alot, but people that have very little always share all.

Have less care less?
Have more care more?

Does that really mean that way?

This place, here at Indonesia. I have to say, lives good here.

Food is good, people are great, place is awesome.

Hahaha the people I work with are awesome too :) I know almost all of them and they are great people :)

Would love to get to know more about them:) :) :)

Last but not least before I go off,
Right here there is this gal that caught my eye :) eye candy and more :) I really love the way she smile and her teeth :)

Wish I could know more about her :) I really do wish to :) :)

Not sure does this counted as fate ?? Haha or just a part of life again.

My feelings for her starts to grow but then again I don't dare to make a move, as I don't have the confidence to do so.

Maybe when we touch down on Singapore I should tell her my feelings?

Hahaha maybe :) maybe :)

Pls smile always :) I really love ur smile :)

This is for you, the special you.

I still miss you alot, i wan to msg u but i know i cant. if i do, then i'll nvr move on, it still hurts but then wat can i do.

Never in my life, i'm going find someone like you, i wish all the best for you :)

some time lesson learn but sometime hurts instead.

this song totally speaks my mind.

came to this song in a very strange way. i would say its fate ba?

telling me to give up? to move on? i really wan to but i need more time thats all.

I'm really sick of me always being the one to always start the texting always
always the one who ask hey how u doing? hey how's life? hey man long time no chat, we should meet out?

my daughter has a point, don play too strong, and always care others, cause when u need a caring no one is there cause they take it as urs the strong one always and u will make it through without them.

im glad to know u in my life.