Just how much am i able to sacrifice?

How long more can i go and how long more can i give? 

I seriously have no idea, i have no idea i would sink in so deep within so less time. I keep asking myself if i truly love you or is it the amount of time we spend together makes me feel this way? 

I try so hard to hide it, try so hard to find an answer for it, try so hard to smile and stay positive of it, i gave myself time and try to stay away from you but i just cant do it. 

By far this had been the most painful period of my life, it's not just dead on the outside but i'm truly dead on the inside too. My brain is telling me no, i should stop hurting myself, she does not even love you like the way you love her. 

Came across an article today, it made so much sense. It's written as: single sided love is not love. 

It hit me badly, thinking that the timing of this article coming to me is . . . . . just nice? 

God, why just why does it had to be me? What had i done wrong, i've always been a positive person, smiling and standing by for people who needs me. I have never done anything wrong in my life. So why does it had to be me. All i ever want was someone to love me just the way i would love  them and i feel its not that hard ? But why must it always be the wrong person that my heart always chooses ? 

My heart and brain got to work together man. I guess i'm more of a heart person. Oh god i love her so much, i'm not sure how far i would go to continue giving. I try killing myself with work but it does not work, i try killing myself with runs but it does not work, i try and i try and i tyr so many times . . . . . 

 

Sometimes i just feel the only way is to rip out this silly heart of mine and throw it away and be a brain person and never will i would with my heart. I asked myself, if a person being this good and nice deserved all this, then why not i just become a bad person ?

I only been through two love relationship, one was me being native thinking work is everything and the second one was a lesson learn. 

But god, this girl, this girl right in front of me, is the one. I truly know that and i feel she is my blessing send from you. but little that i know that blessing came with a test, A test so huge that i told myself to give up so many times. 

I have never in my life broken down for someone this deep, this much  and in front of a friend. This test was way too huge for this little heart of mine. The pain of it was way to great. 

Still remember the first time she said i was her best dinosaur and i could cannot like her, such things cannot happen. That was April 14, and my heart died that day, along with the love i had for dinosaur. The first hurt hit in so hard, i had to take a few mins break before i could reply her. 

I just dont get it, why such things cannot happen, To me it felt like i cant even choose to love the person i want to. I choose to remain silence that day. i told myself that she's not ready to accept this true and i had to hide it from her as much as i could for as long as i could. 

But then again how could something this small endure so much pain. 

In the end, my heart gave up holding and i had to tell her how i felt towards her.

I told myself i will not make a move, as i know she is not ready. But humans are a sucker and i'm been stupid, when ever i looked at her, i just want her to be happy, i just want her to smile, i just want her to feel being loved. 

So i treated her with all the love i could give, all the care i g=could offer, knowingly i wont be her choice. But you see that's the magic of love, love is not something you give and expect a return. love is giving wholeheartedly to the one you love, to see her smile makes me smile even tho the process of it may be tough. 

But then i missed out one pointer.

One very big pointer when comes to love. 

IT'S A TWO WAY THING!

How silly could i ever be. it always clap with both hands no matter what. No matter how much i love her, if she does not feel the same way, what ever i do, she won't see it. A single sided love is just like looking at her through a one way window. She can never see you. 

Some times i wish love can be switch on and off with just a click on the button. 

I want to bring her happiness, i want to help her to become a better person, i want to help her get back on her feet and move forward, i want to help her to achieve what she wants in her life, i want to give her my all,  i want her in my life supporting me in every decision i make and i want to create lots of happy memories with her. 

Guess what, one of it came true, memories. Memories are so scary if you think of it. Living in that beautiful moment but at the same time knowing that it would be the only time it happen and it would never come by again, just makes memories so much important in life but also sad at the same time.

Some moments i wish i could relive it forever.

And some moments i wish i have to just live it once. 

I never really knew how much i love her, till i know how much i could sacrifice for her :)

I love you silly girl, i really do with all my heart :) 

At the end of the day, your answer may not be me, but it's ok. I understand girl, i understand~ 

No matter what happen, i'll still be there for you, like a shadow :) 

When you shine the brightest, i'll just seat below you, supporting what you do. 

When you dwell in darkness, i'll be around you, like the shadow always surrounding you :)